These gave me a good chuckle.
Quotes of things people actually said in U.S. courts from a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Friendly Rivalry
A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local, “G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Villager: “The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how's it going, mate?”
Dog: “Yeah, doin' all right.”
Aussie (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake now and again to play.”
Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Aussie: “Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how's it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: ”Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: ”Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.”
Aussie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Aussie (in a panic): “The sheep's a compulsive liar.”
http://www.caseyresearch.com/displayCdd.php?id=479
