Showing posts with label Just For Fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just For Fun. Show all posts
8.15.2010
Weekend Chuckles
Job Descriptions
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.
7. A topologist is someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
8.04.2010
TV Reporter Bloopers
Top 10 funniest news reporter bloopers
Here are the top 5 clips from the cnet news blog by Don Reisinger
8.03.2010
I hope none of these guys are getting behind the wheel of a car
Hilarious video of animals getting drunk from fermented fruit.
Good for a chuckle
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Eric came home from work The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Eric."
7.13.2010
LOL
These gave me a good chuckle.
Quotes of things people actually said in U.S. courts from a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Friendly Rivalry
A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local, “G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Villager: “The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how's it going, mate?”
Dog: “Yeah, doin' all right.”
Aussie (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake now and again to play.”
Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Aussie: “Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how's it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: ”Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: ”Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.”
Aussie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Aussie (in a panic): “The sheep's a compulsive liar.”
http://www.caseyresearch.com/displayCdd.php?id=479
Quotes of things people actually said in U.S. courts from a book titled, Disorder in the American Courts, published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Friendly Rivalry
A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local, “G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Villager: “The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how's it going, mate?”
Dog: “Yeah, doin' all right.”
Aussie (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake now and again to play.”
Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Aussie: “Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how's it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: ”Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: ”Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.”
Aussie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Aussie (in a panic): “The sheep's a compulsive liar.”
http://www.caseyresearch.com/displayCdd.php?id=479
4.30.2010
3.18.2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)